The aim of my post is to make the first paragraphs funny, the next frightening. Is it working? 
Taryn's mum has let us have part of her allotment space to plant and dig our own stuff. We had a go at it, and it was actually quite fun. Carys (Taryn's mum) told us all the things we'd need to know: where to dig, how to plant seeds, and, of course, where the spades and forks were. Me, Tilly, Elise, Taryn and Freya played a stealing and properly buying game, where Freya owned a shop on top of the shed (there was a ladder there, and anyway, it wasn't a huge or big shed, it was a teeny weeny shed) and I was her assistant who owned the shop while she was out or ill or something like that. Elise and Taryn stole, but me, Freya or Tilly certainly would NOT do such a terrible, terrible thing, so we just bought. Of course, not with real money but only grains of grass and bits of stuff we had already bought. So, Taryn and Elise did nothing but steal (of course, this is a game, you know) and me, Tilly and Freya would either trade or buy. Basically, Elise and Taryn were the baddies and stole, but Matilda, me and Freya bought and were the goodies – do you hear me? GOODIES! OK? Perfect. You understand. Hopefully.
Yes, we understand. You were the –
Goodies.
Yes, and Elise and Taryn were the –
Baddies.
Ye – ye – uggh, yes…
YES!
(Ordience, the italicked (I) writing was you. OK? Ordience: when I say 'YES!' you're meant to straighten your backs up and say nothing).
YES!
Plonk, plonk, plonk, plonk, plonk, plonk…those are your backs straightening and plonking to your seats. Right?
Right, sir.
What do you say before and after every sentence?
Sir, sir, sir.
Correct. Well done. Now I can carry on. Yahoo!
Carrying on:
After that, Taryn left and said, "Goodbye! Wait – Mum – stop the car! Lavinia & Matilda: Try and find the tree I found with ttttthhhhheeeee -" But, that was the end of what we heard from her that day. No rings from the phone or texts; emails or anything. 'Tomorrow,' I thought, 'we'll be back there..hopefully if she is not dead or injured she may arrive…'
Will Taryn Arrive?
Well, well well! Was she dead? Injured or alive? Would she come as a zombie or Zombie Michael Jackson the Girl Virsion? Maybe..but most likely it would be if..she did not come – and was telling the rest of a secret that had been unknown to be secret for years when she drove away..and had been kidnapped to tell it to a kidnapper…perhaps..
Did Taryn Arrive?
OK. Now for the telling.
What's the answer!? Tell us!
I'm getting scared..(sniff sniff).
The answer is…:…
SHE CAME!
Yes – she wasn't a girl version of the dead zombie Michael Jackson – or a zombie at all – and she wasn't injured or dead being carried by Carys or her dad – she wasn't kidnapped and she hadn't tried to tell us an amazing unknown secret and she hadn't told it to a kidnapper..
SHE HADN'T BEEN ANY OF THOSE THINGS – SHE WAS ALIVE!
Yes – and she had seen an amazing tree – because we played and played on it and saw it, and she said, "I was trying to say: there was a stream with twigs next to it and we coulf fish there – and – next to the stream was the tree, and the other side was a cave-like thing with stalls and wooden benches – the perfect place for a campfire! Tee hee!"
Well! Freeky, eh?
Yep! Now my child's crying! Bother and blast you, EH?
Ooops..sorry. Anyway, freeky?
Quit your jibber jabber – now me wive's crying!
Aaagh…
Don't make me mad! Grrrrr!
Are you –
First name Mr. Middle name period, last name: T.
Oh. Just like I thought. Sorry, but we're not aloud Mr. Period T in our studio. OUT!
What about me wife, eh?
How old's she?
65, miss. Married a young man called Mr. Period T. He's very angry with us, all ee time. Eh? Why did I say 'ee' instead of 'the'? Oh it's an old-fassioned thing, dearie. Ya needn't know. Yes, im 65. Eh? Why I say 'im' instead of 'I'm'? Oh, old-fassioned again. Needn't know, miss. Dearie…Ya mind bein' me daughter? Lovely job, miss. Im 65. Married a man named Mr. T.
I KNOW YOU MARRIED A MAN CALLED MR. PERIOD T! AND I DO NOT WANNA BE YOUR DAUGHTER. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
Old Mrs T.
Old, Mrs T. Curious, T. Old, Mrs T. Good enough for me. Oh. I forgot there was meant to be no singing. Old, Mrs T. Curious, T. Old, Mrs T. Good enough for me.
Old Mrs T, is it?
Yep. Old, Mrs T…
Goodbye! Freeky?